Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty

Introduction: The Trap of Being Nice

Most of us have been taught from childhood that being "nice" is the right way to be. We're told to be polite, avoid conflict, and put others' needs before our own. But what if niceness is actually holding you back? What if it's keeping you small, silent, and disconnected from your true self?

Dr. Aziz Gazipura's Not Nice is a revelation. It exposes the dark side of niceness—the people-pleasing, the self-abandonment, the chronic guilt—and offers a radical alternative: being bold, authentic, and unapologetically yourself.

Part 1: The Nice Guy/Girl Syndrome

What is "Nice"?

Dr. Gazipura distinguishes between being kind and being nice:

Kindness is genuine care, compassion, and respect for others. It comes from a place of abundance and self-love.
Niceness is a performance, a strategy to avoid rejection, conflict, or disapproval. It's rooted in fear and the desperate need for approval.

Nice people say yes when they mean no. They agree to avoid conflict. They apologize excessively. They hide their true opinions. On the surface, they look like "good people," but beneath it, they are terrified of being themselves.

The Cost of Niceness

The price of chronic niceness is steep:

Resentment: You say yes to things you don't want to do, then feel angry at the person who asked.
Anxiety: You're constantly scanning for signs of disapproval or rejection.
Depression: You lose connection with your authentic self and begin to feel numb and empty.
Low self-esteem: You abandon your needs so often that you start to believe they don't matter.

Ironically, the more "nice" you are, the less people respect you. They sense your inauthenticity and either take advantage of you or lose interest.

Part 2: The Origin of Niceness

Childhood Programming

Most people develop the "Nice Guy" or "Nice Girl" pattern in childhood. Perhaps you grew up in a home where expressing your needs led to punishment, criticism, or withdrawal of love. You learned that the safest way to survive was to be invisible, agreeable, and "good."

Over time, this coping mechanism became your identity. You became so good at reading the room and adjusting to others that you forgot how to listen to yourself.

The Invisible Contract

Nice people operate from an invisible contract: "If I am nice (people-please, avoid conflict, sacrifice my needs), then others will like me, approve of me, and treat me well."

The problem? No one else signed this contract. When you're nice, people don't reward you with love and respect—they often take you for granted. You end up feeling used and confused because the contract isn't working.

Part 3: Permission to Be Bold

The Bold Path

Dr. Gazipura introduces the concept of Boldness as the antidote to niceness. Boldness means:

Speaking your truth, even when it's uncomfortable.
Saying no without guilt or over-explaining.
Asking for what you want directly.
Setting boundaries without apologizing.
Being willing to disappoint people in order to honor yourself.

This doesn't mean being rude or aggressive. It means being honest, direct, and self-respectful.

Your Needs Matter

One of the core beliefs of nice people is: "My needs are less important than others' needs." Dr. Gazipura challenges this directly: Your needs are just as important as anyone else's.

Imagine you're on an airplane and the oxygen masks drop. You're told to put on your own mask first before helping others. Why? Because if you pass out, you can't help anyone. The same is true in life. You must honor your own needs first—not out of selfishness, but out of self-preservation and effectiveness.

Part 4: The Art of Saying No

The Power of No

For nice people, saying no feels like a crime. But every time you say yes when you mean no, you betray yourself. You teach others that your boundaries don't matter, and you reinforce your own powerlessness.

Dr. Gazipura offers a simple formula for saying no:

Be direct: "No, I can't do that."
Don't over-explain: You don't owe anyone a dissertation on why you're saying no.
Don't apologize excessively: "I'm sorry" is appropriate if you're genuinely inconveniencing someone, but you don't need to apologize for having boundaries.

The Discomfort is Growth

When you first start saying no, you'll feel intense discomfort. Your nervous system will scream at you: "They're going to hate you! You're a bad person!" This is normal. It's the old conditioning fighting for survival.

The discomfort is not a sign that you're doing something wrong; it's a sign that you're doing something new. Lean into it. The more you practice, the easier it gets.

Part 5: Speaking Your Truth

The Silence Kills

Nice people stay silent. They have opinions, desires, and frustrations, but they swallow them to keep the peace. Over time, this silence becomes toxic. It erodes intimacy in relationships and creates a sense of disconnection and resentment.

Dr. Gazipura argues that silence is not kindness—it's cowardice. When you withhold your truth, you rob others of the chance to truly know you.

How to Speak Up

Speaking your truth doesn't mean vomiting every thought and feeling without filter. It means expressing yourself in a way that is honest, respectful, and clear. Here's how:

Use "I" statements: "I feel frustrated when..." instead of "You always..."
Be specific: Vague complaints don't help. Be clear about what you need.
Own your experience: You're not claiming objective truth; you're sharing your subjective experience.

Part 6: Asking Boldly

The Fear of Asking

Nice people rarely ask for what they want. They hint, they hope, they wait to be offered—but they don't ask directly. Why? Because asking opens you up to rejection, and rejection feels like death to a nice person.

But here's the truth: You will not get what you don't ask for. People are not mind readers. If you want a raise, ask. If you want help, ask. If you want intimacy, ask.

The Worst That Can Happen

Dr. Gazipura encourages you to ask the question: "What's the worst that can happen if I ask?" Usually, the answer is: "They say no." And you know what? You'll survive. Rejection is not fatal. In fact, every successful person has been rejected hundreds of times. The difference is, they kept asking.

Part 7: Releasing Guilt

The Guilt Trap

Nice people are drowning in guilt. They feel guilty for saying no, guilty for speaking up, guilty for having needs, guilty for existing. This guilt is not a sign of moral virtue; it's a sign of deep conditioning.

Dr. Gazipura identifies two types of guilt:

Healthy guilt: You violated your own values (e.g., you lied, you hurt someone intentionally). This guilt is useful—it tells you to correct your behavior.
Toxic guilt: You did nothing wrong, but you feel guilty anyway (e.g., you said no to a request, you prioritized your own needs). This guilt is useless—it's just the voice of old conditioning.

Permission to Let Go

You don't need to earn the right to stop feeling guilty. You can simply decide: "I am releasing this guilt. It does not serve me." Every time the guilt arises, acknowledge it, and let it go. Over time, it will lose its power.

Conclusion: The Freedom of Authenticity

Not Nice is an invitation to step off the treadmill of people-pleasing and step into the radical act of being yourself. It's a permission slip to stop performing, stop shrinking, and stop abandoning your truth.

When you stop being nice and start being real, something miraculous happens: You attract people who actually like you, not the version of you that's designed to please them. You build deeper, more authentic relationships. You feel more alive, more powerful, and more free.

As Dr. Gazipura writes: "You don't need to be nice. You need to be you."